Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Dream

I started having The Dream as soon as I started dating after Mark died. The Dream is some version of me cheating on Mark. I wake up feeling sad and needlessly guilty and questioning my decisions.

The Dream used to be bad enough when I was just dating and before William and I were really committed to each other. Then The Dream was just cheating. When William and I made the commitment and after we got married, The Dream took on a new twist. Not only was I cheating on Mark, but I have to figure out how to tell him I'm choosing William.

My marriage with Mark wasn't always easy and was almost always very stressful. I have a very different relationship and marriage with William and even in waking hours, I sometimes feel guilty about how different my life is now. In The Dream, I have the horrible feeling of knowing that I want to be with William, trying to explain my marriage (because even in The Dream, Mark was dead, it wasn't that I was cheating on him when we were married, so he doesn't understand how I could have gotten married again), and knowing that I have to break Mark's heart.

I think the pregnancy hormones are making The Dream come to the forefront again. I'm not getting much sleep. And when I do sleep, I often have The Dream.

2 comments:

AnnaAlicia said...

WOW! Take a deep breath, girl. The baby symbolizes you and William consumating your marriage; it solidifies the decision to "choose" him. That must make for rough nights.

Have you tried talking to Mark in your waking hours? Maybe you two need to make peace. While your time together might have been stressful, you loved each other. His loss came so suddenly and at joyous time in your lives-- enjoying your first baby boy.

Maybe Mark needs to know he can never be replaced. You are moving forward for your sweet boy and for yourself.

Sherry, you should never feel guilty for moving forward in a positive direction. Stay strong!
Sending you love....AAR

Sherry said...

AAR~Thanks for your support. I have, actually, had that conversation with Mark in the past but not recently. Just like in life, it looks like I have to repeat myself :).