Bruised Ego, Bruised Foot, Bruised Heart

I passed out last week. For the first time in my life, I did the dizzy-spots-in-front-of-my-eyes-everything-went-black thing. I was out for a few seconds, and apparently I was quite graceful going down (from what I've been told by the people in the room). I went to my knees and slumped to my side, and strained the ligaments in one of my feet on the way down. It's a few days later now, and my foot still hurts and I have some lovely purple bruises on the injured appendage, but that's it. No lasting damage.

Unless you count that it's making me admit that I'm not always as "okay" as I think I am. I have a weird blind spot when it comes to my own emotions. Other people's trouble? I'm the girl you want to go to (I do empathy and tough love equally well). My own heart? I should suck it up and get on with it already.

Instead, I passed out. I was at work, escorting a photographer into an OR, I was in my own clothes and scrubs and I had that freakin' mask on my face and was getting all hot. This is not the first surgery I've seen for work and I've always been completely fine. And I was fine this time too. Until some of the prep work with the patient made me think of Mark and how horribly uncomfortable he was in the hospital. And how sick he was. And how a few days from now will be 4 years since he died. I tried to stop myself from crying, because I'm a professional, damn it.

Instead, I passed out. I know that being pregnant (and anemic), getting hot, standing for a while, and a million other reasons could have made me faint. But I know that the real reason was that wall of emotion that hit me. I couldn't breathe. So I didn't.

And I felt like an idiot. Everyone was so worried (thank goodness they hadn't started the procedure, I would have felt horrible if I'd interrupted.) As it was, they ushered me out, and I hung out in an office until the photographer was done. I couldn't really explain to anyone what had happened. I had eaten breakfast, I was careful not to lock my knees while I was standing, I've never had trouble with blood (not that there was any yet). What was I supposed to say? "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just reliving my dead husband's last few weeks through my sense of smell and hearing and touch! I'll be fine in a bit!"

I hate that I feel like I'm blaming Mark's death for making me pass out, it's so ridiculous sounding, even to me. But, despite the logical excuses, I know that it's the real one.

At least when I passed out, I did it gracefully and in an OR. I'm sure in the version of the story I tell later, the OR will be filled with blood and drama, and I will pass out in a more dramatic way. But I don't think I'll be telling anyone that the pain I feel when I think of Mark in a hospital bed, dying, made me fall to my knees and lose awareness. I don't think I'm strong enough to admit that even 4 years later, the week of his death can hurt so much, it makes the world fall away, if only for a few seconds.

Getting to Know [Me], Getting to Know All About [Me]

I wrote the following post in December 2007. I just read a different post about learning about yourself after your spouse dies, and am struck once again, by how similar feelings and life can be for widows. Regardless of geography, age, social status or any of the other labels we give ourselves. You can read my post below, and hunibuni's post here.

>Finally, at age 32, I'm getting to know myself. For the first time ever. For almost half my life, I was part of a couple. That's a pretty big defining factor; I was Mark's wife, the second half of "MarkandSherry". Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about.

It doesn't seem to matter how strong, independent, or otherwise self-sufficient someone is, when you have been part of a couple for very long, you become one (and not in a spiritual, lovey-dovey way). So one of the many things that changed when Mark died is that I became a solo entity again. Something I hadn't been since I was 16.

We all know that at 16 you don't really know yourself. What are you doing when you're 16? Hoping that the cute boy will like you? Choosing a college? Worrying that you aren't getting enough playing time on the basketball team? Copying your math homework from Tara? Choosing your life partner? I knew when I was doing the first four (yes, it's wrong to cheat off Tara, but it was math!), but had no idea I had found myself a husband! [It's at times like this when I shake my head at Mark and me, I can't believe how young we were!].

I lucked out and found a good man. Nope, he wasn't perfect (as I've written many times), but he was a great guy and I loved him. He was good to be the other half of as long as I got to be. But, we grew up together (he was 19 when we started dating), and that doesn't leave a lot of room for exploring your own interests and thoughts. I know other couples who probably have been able to do this, but Mark and I just did things as a couple when we learned new things. Also, we had a lot of the same interests already (books, music, movies), so it was a pretty natural thing for us to do those things together.

I think the first shocker for me was when I realized that I don't like to cook. I know, I know, you can't believe it. It's true though. Mark and I cooked together all the time. In fact, that was our main hobby together. We'd watch cooking shows and then find a way to experiment with what we had in the fridge and pantry. I became a wicked prep chef. I can chop with the best of them. We laughed and talked when we cooked, so I loved it. Because of my warm fuzzy feelings around cooking, it took me a little while to figure out that I don't actually like to do it on my own. I appreciate and enjoy good food that others have cooked, but I'm not a big fan of cooking it myself.

After the stunning revelation that I don't like cooking, I started really trying to figure out what I DID like. Do I like to read? Yes. Do I like movies? Love them! Do I like C.O.P.S.? Hate the show with a passion [I sort of knew this when Mark was alive, but "let" him watch it anyway]. So there are a lot of things I genuinely like to do that Mark and I did together, but there are a lot of differences.

Some of the big, more important, things had to be figured out too. Long before Mark died, I paid all the bills, so luckily I wasn't one of the widows who have no idea where policies are or how much the rent is. Even though I paid the bills, I was amazed at how often I'd "let" Mark make financial decisions that weren't great. I say "let" because it was easier to do the fun stuff or buy what we wanted if it was because Mark had made the decision even though I knew in reality that it was a bad choice. After he was gone, I went a little nuts for a few months (stupid credit card), and now I'm paying for choices we made as a couple and the ones I made right after he died. I'll be paying for those choices for a long time, but I learned that I hate to be in debt, and cannot stand to owe anyone anything. Can not stand it.

Also? I don't like to sleep with music on; but I do like to read myself to sleep. I don't like to ask people for help; but always appreciate it when someone does it anyway. Except for a few things, most of the stuff I've learned about myself is pretty simple, but it really adds up.

I have a friend who has recently divorced after a lot of years of marriage, and like me, had been with her ex for half her life. She said to me, "It is strange to realize that you are living a life you don't recognize." I have a lot of that feeling when I look back at Mark and me, man were we stupid a lot. I do know for sure, though, that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it weren't for Mark and the many stupid and wonderful things we did as a unit.

Now that I am by myself, I'm getting to know me. What I like, what I don't like, my strengths, and God knows my weaknesses. It's an amazing [and scary] thing to learn about yourself. Everyone should try it.

Presidential Brainwashing FTW!

From the beginning of this dust-up, I couldn’t help but think of watching Nancy Reagan telling me to “say no to drugs”, of our local Congress people coming to my tiny school to talk with us about civic responsibility, of my 5th grade classroom watching the President address the nation after The Challenger explosion, and of watching the presidential debates in high school.

I am certain that my family didn’t agree with all of the political stance of these people, but it taught me to listen to differing views and that it was good to serve your country no matter your politics. It saddens me that parents aren’t allowing their children the same opportunities now.

The Dream

I started having The Dream as soon as I started dating after Mark died. The Dream is some version of me cheating on Mark. I wake up feeling sad and needlessly guilty and questioning my decisions.

The Dream used to be bad enough when I was just dating and before William and I were really committed to each other. Then The Dream was just cheating. When William and I made the commitment and after we got married, The Dream took on a new twist. Not only was I cheating on Mark, but I have to figure out how to tell him I'm choosing William.

My marriage with Mark wasn't always easy and was almost always very stressful. I have a very different relationship and marriage with William and even in waking hours, I sometimes feel guilty about how different my life is now. In The Dream, I have the horrible feeling of knowing that I want to be with William, trying to explain my marriage (because even in The Dream, Mark was dead, it wasn't that I was cheating on him when we were married, so he doesn't understand how I could have gotten married again), and knowing that I have to break Mark's heart.

I think the pregnancy hormones are making The Dream come to the forefront again. I'm not getting much sleep. And when I do sleep, I often have The Dream.

Things I Wish...

I were eating right now...

• Fluffernutter on white bread,
• Oreos,
• Weinerschniztel hot dog on a pretzel bun,
• Chips and salsa from the joint across the street,
• Root beer float, and/or
• Any flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream that involves caramel.

But I'm not. I have gestational diabetes and have for 8 weeks now. So, that means I'm being as healthy as possible for both the baby and me. I check my blood sugar 4 times a day, I give myself insulin before bed, and I eat my perscribed number of carbs and amount of protein at each meal and snack every two hours or so.

I'm happy to do it, but I really want a cookie.

Scrapping, Here I Come!

I miss scrapbooking. I used to do it all the time,
but since I spent the last year or so doing tons of crafty stuff for the wedding, I didn't have much time to scrap. That's where Cathy Zieleske comes to my rescue!

Cathy's blog is my favorite. She's hysterical, her family is lovely and normal, and the woman can scrap like nobody's business. She's teaching a class next month for Big Picture Scrapbooking called "Me: The Abridged Version," and I'm in the class!

That's right, I'm going to do a book of 28 layouts just about me and my story. It's never been done (by me, anyway). The coolest part? I won a spot in her online class completely at random. I commented (along with more than 1,000 others), and her random number picking thingy chose me and one other person for a free spot in her class. Word.

Not only do I get to be pushed back into scrapping in a fun and creative way, I'm going to do a parallel book about Mark for Nicholas. I've wanted to do a book about Mark for Nicholas since Mark died, but for some reason haven't really been able to do it. I'm going to use Cathy's class as the template for it, and I hope I'm able to capture a small part of who Mark was so that Nicholas can know that part of him too. I think it will be good for Mark's family too, to help me capture some of the stories about him before the stories are all gone.

Who knows, maybe I'll get to know myself a little better in the process too. And all I need are some pictures, my favorite patterned paper, and my trusty computer. Way cheaper than therapy.

That's my favorite layout of N up there, typo and all.

Legal Advice for Widowed Moms

This is a cross-post from Type-A Mom, but the advice is so good I wanted to share it here as well.

So far, all of the articles I've written for Type-A Mom have been based on my own experiences as a widow and mom. While I hope that they have been helpful, I want to be able to provide you with some really practical information that can help your journey as a widow be a little less bumpy. So, I'm going to ask the experts. This article is going to address a few legal questions, I have one lined up with a friend who will answer a few tax questions, and I'm hoping to get a few other content experts to share their knowledge with us.

Meet the Expert

I find that there are quite a few common questions among widows when we are first faced with our new lives. An entire category of those questions have to do with money, legalities, and bills. I've been following Alexis Martin Neely on Twitter for a while, and have been intrigued by her approach to law and giving back to the community. When I started thinking about the content experts I wanted to give advice to widows, Alexis is one of the first people I thought of. As America's Personal Family Lawyer, Alexis guides you to see every legal agreement, challenge and conflict as an opportunity to be more of who you are or as she says, "legal matters are your chance to be the change you want to see in the world." In fact, Alexis sees your legal life in general as a reflection of your inner life. She's the single mom of 2 kids and despite experiencing a challenging divorce she has built not one, but two million dollar businesses and now manages her growing mompreneur empire from her home by the ocean and runs everything with a completely virtual team.

I did a telephone interview with Alexis (with her landscapers going outside and my son asking to color), and asked her several basic questions. We talked for more than an hour, so I'll try to distill our conversation in a useful way. A couple of things to remember when you take any of the following advice to heart: (1) this advice is general advice and certainly doesn't apply to all situations or people, so you really have to get advice for your particular situation, and (2) most laws vary by state, so while a lot of this information may be applicable to most of us, please check with local resources to find out if it's true in your state.

Questions and Answers

Q: A lot of widows are left with giant hospital bills after their spouse dies. How do we handle that? What are we responsible for?

A: Resist the pressure to pay the hospital right away. Just tell them, "As soon as I know how much I have I will call you." You aren't trying to get out of paying legitimate bills, but many times the costs of hospital treatment can be so large they can bankrupt you. You can not put the hospital bills before basic needs.

You have to look at every bill you get, you can't ignore them. If your spouse had health insurance, you have to match up every bill with the insurance company and make sure that they are paying everything they are responsible for.

Do not pay for anything with the hospital until you have pursued every avenue of payment (including health and life insurance). Familiarize yourself with the hospital records because if your Social Security number is not on the records, you may not be liable for the bill.

Sometimes it can take a while to work through all of the avenues to get the bills paid. Because of this, there are cases where the hospital sues for payment before the survivors of the patient have exhausted all options of payment. If you haven't already gotten a lawyer involved before this point, now is the time to find one.

Q: Many widows get a lump of money after their spouse dies. The sources and amounts of money vary greatly. How should a widow decide what needs to be done with that money? For instance, do you pay off the house, the hospital bills, invest it?

A: When a widow is given a sum of money, she should look at it as an opportunity to be in control of her financial future.

First, don't pay off the house or the hospital bills right away. Assess your needs by figuring out how much you need every month to meet your housing, food, utilities and any other necessities. Before you think of paying off any major bills or buying anything new, make sure you have enough to meet those basic needs.

Second, after you have established the costs of your basic needs, figure out where your money is. Find out if there is retirement, what the value of your home is, what your liabilities are. We recommend a Family Financial Freedom Notebook that can help you organize that kind of information, but finding all of your expenses and all of your resources is key. Once you know your monthly expenses, you need to consider where your income will come from. Will you start a business? Invest the money you do have in income generating investments? Or will you keep your money in CDs and get a job?

Third, get some advice. If you have a Personal Family Lawyer® in your community, start there. If not, find a trusted advisor who will guide you objectively and not based on the commissions they'll be paid for your buying decisions. Make sure you've got your own financial house in order and don't expect to be able to know everything yourself.

Q: When a widow is ready to change records over, how does she make sure that she's caught all the accounts (everything from bank to credit cards to titles) that have her husband's name on them? Once you find them, how do you make sure everything gets changed over to just her name?

A: This is another instance when working with a trusted advisor, like a Personal Family Lawyer®, is a time and money saver. If all of your accounts were held jointly with your spouse or best yet, in a Trust, you may avoid the court process altogether. But, if accounts were held in your spouse's name alone, you may have to open up a probate with the Court.

Begin by contacting each of the account holders (banks, brokerages, credit cards, etc.) and let them know your spouse has died and ask them what to do. Each account custodian will send you paperwork to complete. If you are confident completing the paperwork on your own, you can. If not, contact a Personal Family Lawyer® in your community for guidance.

Q: Many widows qualify to receive widow benefits, and the children qualify for survivor's benefits, from the Social Security Administration. What's the best way to go about getting those benefits set up?

A: The Social Security Administration has a great web site that gives you all the information you need about collecting survivor's benefits. If you do end up getting survivor's benefits for your children, and don't need to use the money for daily necessities, you may want to look into tax-favored college savings plans for your children, such as a 529 plan. A 529 Plan is a great way to save for college because the money you put into the plan accumulates tax free. Alternatively, you will want to set up a guardianship or trust account for your children to receive their benefits.

Q: How quickly does a widow need to set up a new will?

A: You can really answer that question yourself by asking "What would happen to my kids right now if I died?" If there is no plan, especially a legal one, you need to visit a lawyer. At the minimum, even if you do not have any financial assets yourself, you need to have a Kids Protection Plan to provide for the care of your children in the short-term and the long-term in case something happens to you, and a power of attorney for financial matters and a health care directive/living will for health care decisions for yourself. A good lawyer will guide you to make the very best financial and legal decisions for your family throughout your lifetime without charging you hourly fees and not just set up a set of documents for you and send you on your way.

Q: Obviously, it's important to have a relationship with an attorney. How do you establish that, or even just find a lawyer?

A: If you go to my web site www.personalfamilylawyer.com, you can find a lawyer in your area who has gone through my training and works with clients in a whole new way. A Personal Family Lawyer® will be there to help you make the best choices for your life on an ongoing basis and provide objective, trusted guidance without charging you any hourly fees. Our most difficult job is finding lawyers who are willing to work in this new client-focused way, so if we do not yet have a lawyer in your area, get our free article with 7 Things to Ask Before Hiring a Wills, Trusts or Estates Lawyer from our site.

Q: What other advice would you give widows?

A: There are some practical things I'd like to offer.

• Find an insurance advisor you trust, this is as important as a trustworthy lawyer. You need an insurance advisor who learns about your entire situation before selling you insurance, you don't want one who is just an order taker or doesn't treat you like a person. You want a strategic advisor so you know your family will be covered if something happens, but know that you are buying unnecessary insurance. Always have your personal lawyer double check the insurance recommendations before you buy - it's best to have two sets of eyes on your situation and that one of them is not going to get a commission based on what you buy.
• For most of the things you need to do, like getting your husband's pension or applying for Social Security, start with the phone call where you say, "My husband has died, I need to know what to do now." If you can't make that call, have someone make it for you and get the basic information out of the way.
• When you are ordering death certificates for your husband, order 10-20 because there are many times when you will have to prove death.
• It may seem the opposite, but if you have a fairly complicated situation (a lot of accounts with your spouse's name on them, an estate going through probate, etc.), having good legal counsel will end up saving you both time and money.
• The biggest thing to remember now is to be prepared for anything.

I appreciate the time and knowledge Alexis shared with me so that I could share them with you. You can connect with Alexis on Twitter at @alexisneely and if you fan her on Facebook she'll give you her monthly Play a Bigger Game Mindset and Motivation audio program free.

You can connect with Sherry Carr-Smith on Twitter @prCarrS